Society for Distressed Gentlecats
No, I know there isn’t one, but I’d quite like there to be one. I see my fanclub (of one. You know who you are…) has been missing my pearls of wisdom and I would like to apologise sincerely to him for the break in service. There is a reason…
In last Saturday’s Herald I espied a small article which has caused me such deep distress, I have been unable to string enough words together to create a sensible well-balanced post (as, I’m sure you’ll agree, they always are
).
I quote:-
“Advocats of the female condom are purromoting the FC2, a cheaper 
more user-friendly version they hope will vastly expand its role…” And…
“The FC2…is made from synthetic rubber rather than polyurethane…”
As you can imagine, I have been in deep SHOCK ever since reading this dreadful calumny (sorry Calum) To think that anyone would harbour the idea that I, the artist FC (formerly known as FC2) could be in any way an artificial construct! Well!!! My featherlite ribs were decidedly un-tickled. I wish it to be known that I am not, nor never have been, any of the following:-
A Gentleman’s Jerkin; a Jimmy Hat; a Johnny Bag; a Love Glove; a Willie Hat; a Nodding Sock…nor any other piece of bipedal apparel.
I hope you will agree that I look nothing whatsoever like a condom, female, male or otherwise!
81 Comments
Every picture tells a story, and that picture up there ( I would have inserted an arrow there, but I don’t know how) tells us everything we need to know, which is? Emm, err, well, let’s see, emm, how can I put this? Oh yes EffCee is a D*ckhead 
It’s you own fault FC for being such a noisy cat. According to a report here “the FC2 also is less noisy during use. Complaints about squeaky noises were among the factors that slowed acceptance of the original version.” So I guess we’ll be hearing even less of you in the future, shame (your number one fan).
Forgot to say FC, if you hear squeaky noises from the Sunroom of Eternity don’t go rushing in thinking it’s another cat
You certainly don’t NORMALLY FC, but with your head stuck in that vase well an entirely different conclusion can be drawn.
BTW, delighted to see you’ve dropped the 2, irrespective of whether the drop is caused by the rubbery object or not.
I don’t like the idea of them being “aggressively promoted in Brazil” either. A kind of “wear this cat or else??” On your head? or does just carrying a cat around stop you getting pregnant?? 
No wonder I have three kids- I must’ve been doin it all wrong…
Squeaky noises? Huh! Some bipeds would be grateful to hear just the tiniest whisper of a squeaky noise. Merely the slightest squeaky noise of flesh-on-flesh would make some bipeds feel irrationally thankful!
I have followed your links, barebraes and Les, and have tried to draw some small comfort from them…
As for you, Tws, well…I am not a Richard-the-third and will never be one!
Dear yer Maj - it is quite a custom of the hoose to wear a cat on yer heid here in Anorak Towers.
Its quite disturbing to think that, once we go, no-one will ever call it Anorak Towers ever again *wee sob*
oh , it will be forever Anorak Towers to us on IB. How is Completion Of the Missives going? We are stuck on Confirmation on George St- which has connotations of virginal girls in white dressses to me, but apparently is to do with who has claim on the proceeds of the flat. Another three weeks at least, blasted lawyers. 
I think we’re still poncing around in the white frillies also landlady, but we know the peeps involved and think it is a goer. However, we share your distrust of the lackadaisical b******s, who have just sent the same form to be signed as they sent a week ago and which was sent by return and mysteriously lorst. Idle pillocks! OId rope, money for!
eeeeww (to those pictures
and they thought the *diaphragm* was invasive …!
Swoosh the cleaver, pour the formaldehyde, and voila - FC2 for posterity, no expenditure on container necessary. No need for condoms any more. In any case, as Zuma once averred, he had a shower after the event and was thus not susceptible to contracting AIDS or other such freebies. There must be something in the Joburg water …
Does the article say anything about filling FC with water after being blown up with bicycle tire and then used as water balloon at kids party.
What kind of kid’s parties do you attend Harry??? we have pinatas, games, ice cream- and jelly; but not that kind of jelly- but not usually condoms…
The very idea of having a bike pump shoved up my jaxi - filled with air and then then colonically irrigated - I’m so distressed Harry Darling I’m thinking of contacting the SSPCA Cruelty Man in Finstoon . Good Dog! ‘waterboarding’ is bad enough, but this surely comes under the heading ‘Cruel and unnatural treatment’ 
Landlady?!! What a super idea. FC2 as pinata!! Yes, yes, Barney, you have the first swing with that Louisville slugger. Go ahead, Barney, spit in the palm of your hand before getting a good grab on the mighty weapon. Then you, Harryd. Me? I’ll be on the phone with the polis!!
Hey FC,
I must have missed the bus somewhere - what’s happening with your abode?
MC can give you lots of cat journey tips and Me and Mr ML have moved 9 times in 20 years of matrimonial co-habitating.
The picture of your head in the jar is just the sort of neck stretching exercise MC should be particiapting - have you thought about getting into cat-therapy? - you seem superbly qualified.
Passing you lots of furry hugs from us and MC
Looks like it is going to be sold over my furry head without so much as a by-your-leave, madlamb. Some people have no consideration. 
Old Cats moved several times, but me’n'Marmers have only ever known Rolling Acres (we don’t count our kittenhood homes). Its scary.
Also…will Nice Uncle Les let me stay in here, or will I have to move out of this shiny new virtual home? Its a worry 
Piñata? I’ll gie ye piñata mjc so I will! Harry’s suggestion was bad enough. Now insult is to be added to injury. Or vice versa
Madlamb, Arnish would not miss the bus, not in Lewis, nor Harris for that matter.
Would you like to be a Guest Blogger FC? It’s a great honour which is within my purrview.
Oh yes purrlease Uncle Les and I purromise never to bait you and the other old gents ever again honest I’m a cat and you can believe me
And if you let me down I’ll turn you into a set of bagpipes
Ahem. It would seem you and Harrydarling have something in common. It’s a bit disturbing that you both want to blow up a pussy
Could I become the guest flogger, Uncle Les? Provided I get my Horlicks at regular intervals, I promise to keep chasing the cat ceaselessly within the perimeters of Stromness and Finstoon (I would need stronger brew to enlarge my search area. If Bruce of Stronsay would share some of his brew, I might consider).
I do think you might be pushing your luck uncling Les like that mjc. It’s okay for me, I’m just a young thing… 
Uncle Les, Bwana Les, Les Sahib, Sir Les, Chieftain Les - whatever it takes to keep him in good vim. Should someone (any volunteer) draw up a coat of arms and an all new tartan design for the new Chief? A requirement is that a teacosy finds its way onto the coat of arms.
Absolutely. What a grand idea. And, while we’re at it, landlady or Stromness Dragon could knit him a set of plaid (small p) plumwarmers. I’m not sure about Sir Les - it has unfortunate Aussie connotations…
See…I’m still coming up as Flying Cat 2. Does a cat have no autonomy over his own blog? Must the power be all the Sahib’s? It was a bit embarrassing to discover, whilst setting up the FC’s Fans widget, that I am my own top commenter…Tsk!
I’ve been twiddling my newest widget. Let’s see what happens now… 
so where are you heading my dearest FC?
Yes I think I’m my own top commentator too, Fc, we seem unable to pass up the opportunity to leave a comment even if it’s to ourselves…
Les, approximate size of plums for plum warmer pattern, please?Come on now, don’t be shy!!
Which Widget wid you twiddling widge, FC?
I would suggest Les Boss for title for The Man At The Helm, but that also seems to have unfortunate connotations if you say it quickly…
The pu’s are hoping to find a rental in Fife, madlamb. Which seem to be a bit thin on the ground at the moment. They’re going down for a shufti next week. Time is of the essence! I think it would be a good idea to get references done now to have ready clutched in sweaty paw, but what do I know…just a mere kitty of no great brain…
Oh you know he’ll exaggerate landlady! After all you’re not exactly going to ask for a look are you
It was the one that shows my top commenters Yer Maj. And also the bit that makes me Flying Cat without the number two in comments
Not entirely unfortunate. After all it is still thematically island…and some chaps are quite partial to…oh no I’d better stop there. The Venerable Barney will be worrying about the corruption of miners… 
I suppose you chose The Kingdom of Fife to rival The Queendom of Cardy? That’s a long way south, what’s wrong with Bettyhill?
Landlady, my plums are just the right size. I am sure you are experienced enough (in knitting pattern terms of course ) to know exactly how big that is.
Fife is perfectly commutable from my parents where MC will be holidaying in August (the otherside of Edinburgh in the Borders on the A701) and from your dearest Mia. There must be a visit involved somehow. Perhaps we could start a Society for Distressed island expatri-pusses?
I do hope you will have fields to wander in Fife, frou-frous to tiptoe-through and the occasional frog to espy.
Alternatively, parents will soon have a small accommodation for rentage on their farm - and they have a Sunroom of Eternity, too, though in their quarters. The vacating tenants have land they wish to relinquish, if you fancied a self-build, as they were staying in the sma-hoose until they built then life caught up with them and now they’ve decided to move to the toon.
Did I mention MC came home with his first baby rabbit since he migrated south? I was in my pyjiminys and didn’t have my glasses on when I let him in early-doors so only saw a small furry thing precede MC into the house. Thinking it might be a R A T, I squealed for Mr ML. Once I put on some shoes and my glasses I had to quell my pride as we chased MC and said small bunny round the house to release it into our garden hoping it would find somewhere near home before MC relocated it and left the neighbour (who hates cats) a present on their ‘perfect’ lawn.
That sounds QI madlamb, because, strangely, the Borders is sort of on the list, though coastal preferably in the long term…
When mpu comes back from being poked&prodded in the Wee Grey Toon, I shall have a purr in his shell-like. May we email you? As you know, your email address appears in ‘Comments’ in my Top Secret Dashboard
Well done MC ma man! As for bipeds who hate cats well…how very ghastly. Past Cats lived next door to a pair of cat-haters once. The sound of airgun pellet on lager can is forever etched on the parental units’ brains.
There were two purrfectly decent d.o.g.s on the other side called Treacle&Scumble, but they usually came off worse
FC,
of course you can email. It would be a pleasure to lead you and Marmers to a pleasant abode., even if temporary.
Our local papers are telling of some yout’ using kits as pellet practice - I worry frequently about MC being out and about. I wish we could migrate to parentals farm quite often.
FC2, if you need a reference, you just have to say the word. Ah! WHAT’s the word?
I dare say some of you may be wondering why your favourite commentator on ambiguities has been so silent. Some may be thinking, others may be hoping, that he or his laptop have deceased, like the parrot. Alas for some, that which was true for the parrot is not true for the gander. Indeed I did gander at some of those Internet pages and did wonder at the ingenuity of mankind. Did anyone notice something about a vibrating condom? The sheer fiendish ingenuity! Referring to the FC2, I think that this will have difficulty taking off because it must be difficult to RTFM whilst in a naturally highly-excited state. Not to mention trembling fingers!
Condoms have an undeservedly poor press. The ABSOLUTELY way-out-ahead consumate experience for your correspondent occured while using said object. Definitely NOT chewing toffee with the paper on. A long time ago now…..
The East Neuk is a grand place for a new Sunroom of Eternity - think of all that sunlight reflecting off the Forth of Firth.
Nothing worse than putting your phone in silent mode, think it’s ringing, only to put your hand in your pocket and pull out a box of vibrating condoms!
Condoms? They are not going to prevent you from getting swine flu. If you don’t believe me, ask the Pope yourself and himself.
Les, surely that’s better than the converse situation?
Yes I have my posy of flowers at the ready against SWINE flu- a…a…TISHOOOO… those lads came from Falkirk…
This member of the feline community would not, it seems, be in need of the society’s ministrations:
Mr FX! There you are!! Hiding out on FC’s blog! Are you OK?
That cat has an air of a scholar about him ,I feel, and I think he might be doing his dissertation in the library..
x3, whatever it is that got to you, don’t give up - come out swinging. Sorry to note you closed your blog. I hope it is only temporary.
That’s a nice bit about Fidel, FX! Does anyone else recall that EFX was Goon Show shorthand for “effects”, for example coconut hooves disappearing rapidly in the distance and returning … or “explosive knees” … and other things. Talking about GS, last night on Swedish telly there was a program about time: it was pretty good and it confirmed in the most scientific way the correctness of Eccle’s way of telling the time: “It’s eight o’ clock”, which he read from a piece of paper on which a nice man had written the time. “Life imitates Art”: so true.
Or “liff”, if like less erudite cats than Fidel, you can’t spell.
I’ve never done my dissertation all over a library, but I’m willing to give it a go, my liff already… (My friend ‘Marmers’ feels a certain kitnship with Fidel )
We’d like to publicly thank Madlamb for its assistance and will be getting back to it soon. Just as soon as we get a bit more organdised. Garage Sale this weekend…imitation is the sincerest form of flattery Stromness Dragon.
If pink Chinese crockery is your thang, or the odd ancient Habitat bookcase, or random tiles, or painted tin tubs, or plastic cups, stoneware mugs, food warmers, microwave, kitchen table, wine rack and so forth (sorry no cuddly toy) then Anorak Towers will be the Hip&Happening purrlace to be!
We can’t help our most satiable curtiosity at Cap’n P’s revelation and are wondering if the raincoat was ribbed, flanged, frilled, flavoured or otherwise enhanced…
Blimey imagine Auntie’s face if we’d tried to discuss such things in the Other Place!
You’re welcome - by the way I’m a ‘her’. 
Hope the sale goes well. xx
Oh well if you don’t mind the hoi polloi knowing!
Ooh! Ooh! Garage Sale! That 2 square feet of space recently created in the dragon’s shed is about to be filled. Nature abhors a vacuum you know….
FC - we would be most honoured if you were to grant us an audience before your imminent departure. *sniff*
Ping! You shall go to the ball Stromness Dragon! (And Mr Dragon if he so wishes) Ad in da pepper Thurs. I hope. Fpu requested her tiny wee box be put in with the car booters etc in Whit’s Oan and was told it would go in Sma’ Ads. The customer is always right my furry bahoukie!
In one of Liff’s little coincidences, bb1 (who obviously doesn’t spend nearly as much time in my blog as he ought :twisted:) has sent me the same link to Fidel the Literary Cat as Mister Fourex did…
Are you off soon? Has the date been fixed? The neighbors have been warned?
BOLLOCKS! another garage sale missed. I want each and every one of the items listed, FC, wrap ‘em up and send ‘em down …
Oh EffCee, the event was too long ago for such details to be remembered and would not in any case be made pubic … even a practical pirate has a certain reticence in such matters.
It looks like around 20th of Augsut I and possibly eldest daughter Catharina will be kicking around the environs od edinburgh, the East Neuk and if you are installed in a new residence we would be honoured if we might pay our respecs. Keep me posted on possibilities.
Well before you all get over-excited, we’re not scheduled to leave Anorak Towers for good and aye until the very beginnings of July, but time flies if you don’t grab it by the short&curlies, rubiks, fuzz, Kate, take your pick, and we need to get stuff offloaded so we know What’s What.
It would be a purrleasure your Cap’nship
My dear landlady, how very uneuphemistic! Is there any small thing I can send you as a memento?
I hardly dare ask. I would like one of your mugs, Fc, I love collecting mugs…. how much is your cheapest one?( sound of moths flying from purse…)
Are you sure? A mug? They will purrobably be 20p each or so, depending on who’s asking. Tell you what, I’ll photograph ‘em tomorrow, email photos and you can choose one…or not, as the case may be. As I remember, they’ve been lurking at the back of a cupboard for 16 years and were remaindered from a pottery in West Kirby…
Wouldn’t mind a Mac laptop if you’ve got one. Need it to answer questions from those awkward buggers bloggers who insist on using one.
Dear far-off Uncle, there is no such thing as a Mac laptop here in Anorak Towers. We do however own a very nice almost-up-to-the-minute basic iMac. A desktop. Tsk! Is there no end to the ignorance of PC users. And Windaes? Dinnae spik tae me aboot thon Windaes. Ptui!
Basic - aye that’s right
A basic Mac is so superior to even the top-notchest PC I bet mine doesn’t get swine fever virus…
Sheesh. fist we have surname envy, then plum size envy- and now “my computer is better than your computer.” Is there no end to you children’s squabbling???????? don’t I get enough at work????????
Ööööööh, isn’t she COMMANDING? It makes me go all goose-fleshy. So coolly dominant. My Queen!!
Not coming to your playgroup - don’t care who you are.
Good god Yer Maj, never mind keeping a hand on your ha’penny, I think you’d better get something from your local blacksmith with a massive padlock on! Cap’n Pugwash really is nature red in tooth and claw!
Awwww look, Nice Uncle Les is in a poots. We must be extremely nice to him, for he is our Salvador and we grovel before him in shock&awe.
Has Cap’n P got a dose of the diaeresis? Try some Kaolin&Morphine…
No need to use words like that to a fellow-blogger, EffCee! My insides are in perfect working order, thank you.
Haven’t we rather got away from the initial blogline? But when I go back to find out what it was, I think perhaps that is a good thing, or better, a Good Thing.
I know remember what the FC2 reminds me of: a picture of a denizen of the abyssmal deep, brought up to the surface and photographed for the “National Geographical” some time in the 1950’s. The main corpus of the object of EffCee’s concern looks vaguely like the slime sack that surrounds a minute living creature called a salp. And salps, dear children, - listen closely now, gather round and trust Uncle Barney - the invertebrate group that is most closely related to US!
Slime sack? I rest my case…
And now it is time for me to say BLLEAGH!
Have you got a cousin in Leicestershire FC?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/leicestershire/8030168.stm
I’ve got a cat who likes sitting on a MacBook (usually when its open and in use).
Socks and the Sock thief - wonder how they would get along together? Purrsonally I prefer the printer for my repose. Socks likes the tower. 
I think Mia has let the cat out of the bag in relation to feline…relations. As her Socks is a B&W, it seems far more likely to be related to the Leicestershire puss than I, in my tabby pulchritude.
A cat who likes to sit on a MacBook is indeed a cat of grrrreat good taste and elegant demeanor.
Alas Mia, we don’t have a tower because the iMac is an all-in-one piece of magical engineering…at least I think computers come under ‘engineering’…I’m more artistic than scientific, I freely admit.
And modest to a fault…
Socks’ father was well named as Felix (pace the the cat food advert), his mother was a tabby. When you see Socks in the sun, he isn’t actually b+w, he has tabby markings, not quite black and tan, more black and sunburnt! You must try sitting on a printer combo FC, there is usually a remnant of heat, specially at this time when junior staff is in full revision mode. True, you must train the staff into considering the cat’s requirements when purchasing such items. Fortunately it isn’t difficult.
HISS!!! SPIT!!! Felix (crossed paws, horned devil sign, garlic etc…) is a name never uttered here in Anorak Towers, due to one purrticular feline of that name making my Liff a misery for a whole year.
The trauma!
Mia m’dia, I would love to get the opporchancity to purrch on a printer combo, but alas, steps have been tooken to purrvent my doing so. Its purrverse…
On purrpose, purrhaps?
Oops. So sorry to have upset you FC. Purrchance you still need to train your staff???
Yes to both!
Oh FC you poor Kitty…….I think you need to look at this link
http://www.takaso.com/Playsafe/WildC.php
There all at it