Who Is Mary?
NOTICE
All visitors must go to the sluice room and wash their hands before entering the unit. Any cases of diarrhoea must be reported to the Senior Carer.
“I don’t want that.”
“It’s Lorne sausage, remember, square sausage - a Glasgow speciality?”
A flaccid square of lurid pink at sea on a flood tide of baked beans. Hard to credit any link with a pig.
The wee woman across the table carefully pours milk. Her pink plastic square is all at sea on a different ocean. She polishes her cutlery vigorously on the tablecloth, rescues the drowning sausage to Sideplate Atoll; utters disconnected words.
“Who’s that?”
(April is in her own tall narrow house in her kitchen under the roof. Thud…THUD…THUD!…whisper who dares, Christopher Robin has fallen downstairs…)
“Who is that??”
A carer sails by. (Carers are always sailing by - on yet another ocean. These inland seas seldom connect.)
“Its just Mary.” Once upon a time, Mary was a Mrs Someone…or a Miss Someone…well anyway, someone. Now she is “Just Mary.”
“Mary, who are you?”…”Who are you, Mary?“…”WHO is MARY??? (Who is Mary what is she that all our swains commend her…mend her..)
“Is she having tea? Why doesn’t she answer?”
“I think she’s very deaf; she doesn’t hear you.”
(Mary hears other voices; she’s all at sea on an ebb tide.)
“I must go now April, I’ll see you next week. No need to see me to the door.” (Her own red door at the foot of two flights, in her own tall narrow house…)
“You mean I don’t have to come downstairs?” (There’s no downstairs here.)
“That’s right. See you next week.”
Along the corridor of Limbo, through the Dining Room of Purgatory. Press Button To Open. Swish. Swish. One door opens, another closes…Swish.
The visitor is free to go; to disembark down the gangway on to dry land. The current rolls inexorably on…
Swish/swish…
66 Comments
You’ve been watching too much Lark Rise to Candleford via Cranford. That Minnie and her sausages last night has an awful lot to answer for!
Maybe you can have a word with her, you’re heading back to Candleford aren’t you? Maybe you and JD could get together, he looked in as bad a state as you!
Thank you the Correspondent from Eek.
very thought provoking FC
I hope to god somebody takes me out the back and puts me out my misery before I get to that state. I did some of my training in a children’s home and that was bad enough..
was that where you’re pu’s went for the weekend 
i’ve just stopped working at the above “hotel”
What brought on this burst of melancholia? Surely not a simple visit to the mainland folks wh0 would fit you with Sarah Palin glasses (if you so wish)? You have to be careful what you put in those delicious oatmeal cookies: raisins, craisins, and bits of macadamia nuts are okay; rosemary leaves are not kosher. What you need is to go out and plant a new asparagus bed (I just did. Tomorrow, if those bonuses at AIG still get go me, I shall go out and enlarge the bed.)
This is not a ‘burst of melancholia’. It is a piece of creative writing based on a real visit to an old folks home. If I have to explain it then you didn’t get it. 
bit close to the truth when you have ageing parents, isn’t it …
and a mum who can’t remember how to tell the time …
god help us …
and that was a nice hotel—some are prisons
I realized it was a piece of creative writing (good too): but it is still full of melancholia. The story is very effective. For the reader, it is a depressing story.
Shoot me now, or if not now, definitely when I can’t enjoy wearing my purple gloves, raking my stick along the railings and hiding the gin.
Mind you, we could organise the COTFAS (Children of the Fifties and Sixties) Homes now - Radio 4 in every room, Frankie Boyle doing stand-up comedy on entertainment evenings, soundproofed rooms so we can still play the Stones and Free full blast, intoxicating substances on request, high speed stair lifts so we get upstairs before we forget what we went there for, and staff who can be dismissed for talking to us as if we’re four years old, and patronising or cooing… nah, just shoot me.
Apologies to Our Correspondent in Indiana for biting his head off. A bad fur day…
I’m so purrleased to have cheered you all up with a vision of what the Future holds. I, of course, will get the needle in the wrist job and float off on a cloud of dreams…
As taddoe says, some facilities are better than others. In the USA I imagine its down what you can afford and here its a postcode lottery (+ the former). It seemed to me that, if you haven’t a clue where you are, being warm, clean, dry and fed regularly count for a lot. If you’re purrticularly lucky, you imagine you’re on a never-ending cruise, where your en-suite cabin is ‘lovely’ and the service ‘wonderful’. Needle-in-paw is still my purrferred method of exit!
Oh Jeelie Piece that sounds fantastic! Count me in. Or maybe we can get an old person’s home built when we all move to Cardy, with all of the above.(see Stromness Dragon’s blog if you don’t know wot I’m on about)
Makes you think,this Blog. Have been a visitor to them and hate to say I am always sad and glad to get home after. Hope I go suddenly when it’s my turn. though not for a while I hope also.
(Who is Mary what is she that all our swains commend her…mend her..)
Might have to have words with my swains.
I read that real nurses now work in hospices, because they make more difference to the life of the living.
I don’t know if better pay for those at the bottom would make a difference, or more support from the next level of management, but I do wonder where the money goes when it is cheaper to stay in a hotel than a council run care home.
PS When I am old and stupid I want to be called Nic. I get confused now when I’m called Mrs ….
However, my Gran changed her name (slowly as her friends changed) from Nessie (short for Agnes) to Nessa, because she found it made her much more glamourous. I so want to want glamour when I am in my nineties.
Crikey a script on IB - what next?
Don’t know Mary myself but Jimmy Hendrix sang ‘The Wind Cried Mary’ and his mother was from Harris I believe?
Love the idea of a ‘bad fur day’
Very evocative piece I could smell the boiled cabbage.
PS My mother in law is 89 (in the shade - as she puts it) and has a monopoly of a full set of faculties in the care home. She told us last week that a neighbour had died the previous week, a neighbour who used to shout ‘Tea and Toast’ on waking until someone came. This annoyed my MIL WHO said ‘No more morning shouting she’s toast now.’ Who says sick humour is the province of the middle aged?
Mother-in-law can no longer read or even watch TV, nor knit - and scarcely converse. Nothing is more cruel than a personality crumbling to nothing while the body lives on. About equivalent to being a paralysed larva that is being eaten from the inside by the young of the spider that paralysed it. I’m sure you all follow that metaphor. No? Oh!
Old age is unfair to many! Already I know folks my own age [and that is not old! ... to me anyway] who have dementia. One in particular had severe memory lapses in his 50’s, and had to be restrained upon entering a ‘rest home’. All that creativity of youth lost in the swill of life … a lovely, though lovely is definitely the incorrect word, piece of writing.
Please may I only ever be a visitor to an old folks’ home, not a resident [murmured heartfeltedly]
I just knew Jeelie Piece and landlady would get on. And how very clever of JP to choose your wee brother as the resident comic relief, landlady. I’ve never telt her nu’hin honest.
A really arresting metaphor Cap’n P, I’ve been rolling it around on my pearly-pink tongue…
Jimi Hendrix’s mother was from Harris????? If ‘April’ is having a reasonable day next Sunday, I’ll try telling her the ‘No more shouting she’s toast now’ bit. She would like it…
I’m with you there Plaid. Especially if the ice floe option is not available… 
Ice floes are becoming more abundant but shorter contracts are recommended to avoid later disappointment. Although for the purpose under consideration maybe that would be a benefit. Come to think of it. As it were. Seriously.
“Who says sick humour is the province of the middle aged?” To answer that one only has to remember that the elderly lived through a world war, black humour was a survival mechanism. I am reminded of my late aunt, who built bombers and lived through the Liverpool Blitz. At the age of 74 she was knocked over on a zebra crossing and taken to A&E. She was obviously in a fairly poorly state as when she woke up she found that a piece of plaster bearing the letters D O A was attached to her wrist. She kept it for several years to show people, with some glee, that she had returned from the dead.
My ma’s 91, still in her own house,got all her marbles, knows how many many beans makes ten, and likes a laugh. But all her contemporaries are dead.
I’m off to leather the red wine, brandy, fish & chips, and strawberry tarts. I’m leavin enough dough for a good wake, and I want ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ or ‘Wheels On Fire’ as the crem curtains close behind me… Ciao pc cattoe.
Ciao Jeelie! Parental units have just finished punishing dusky octopus, smoked trout, anchovies in brine (a trip around Europe via Lidl) fresh olive bread from Panasonic 255, olives marinated in virgin oil and oregano, Greek salad and home-made hummous, accompanied by a cheeky prize-winning South Aus Wolf Blass Chardonnay. Awards won at the International Queensland Wine Festival…I’m sure Queensland and International are not oxymoronic. If only we could forget Jo Bjelke Peterson…
I quite fancy anything by Cat Stevens…
Hi FC.
Sir Joh kept his peanuts to the end with his Lady Flo keeping a firm hand on the wheel. We do produce a liquid which is renowened for tipling Red/White whichever is your fancy and good value for a quid. Those people from across the Tasman are trying to invade, its worth a taste and a sworle round of the pallet so long as its down at the bottom shelf of the pickup counter.
Hey! Hey! Hey!! Roy, I have to inform you that those people across the Tasman make an excellent vintage, having a climate eminently suitable : that is a little frost and a lot of sunshine [well not when I returned for a quick family visit recently, but that must have been an exception]. And NZ wines are cheaper in the Oz shops than home grown
I tried to get into your website via your name, but nothing happened Maybe you need to put all the http thingy in?
Hi FC.
Please advise Plaid that my Website is restricted. I welcome her comments on the Vintage, If available give it a try. Les I am happy for you to pass on my email address to Plaid. Now to the seriouse stuff, THE CAT. LPs and CDs.
*Mona Bone Jackson.
*Tea for the Tillerman.
*Foreigner.
*THE WORLD OF CAT STEVENS.
If you ask me for two tracks they are Longerboats and Trouble. Unfortunately the younger generation have not enjoyed, along with Joan Baez, Think i should close as i am starting show my age. Regards.
Hi FC
Sorry about the forementioned name a slip of the finger, well thats my exchuse for not doing a propper check. Getting late in the evening, Salmon fish cakes comming up. Regards.
I’m off to leather the red wine, brandy, fish & chips, - Jeelie P. # I am at a loss. Surely not even Australian (or NZ) wine is leathered (whatever that process may entail). Anyway, time for another posting.
Mjc, as an alumnus of blessed Edmund Rice’s sonderkommando you surely must have tasted the leather. My lot seemed to believe that the only way to drive knowledge into young men was by the application of a leather strap, or tawse for the scots, to the palms of the hands. Hence leather vt to beat or punish.
Oh, Hyper-B., so that’s what some of the Christian Brothers did to us, poor sods eager (a few of us anyway) for an education: they leathered us. One for your sins, and one for the road.
when i first read this i wondered if it was something by Tom Pow. its very sad and thought provoking, and written beautifully.
Roy, recently the BBC showed several programmes of B&W film footage from the sixties - Judy Collins, Julie Felix, Joni Mitchell and Joan Baez. The last-named had a voice and delivery that could knock the socks off all the rest put together.
(That was the nineteen sixties, just in case younger viewers have other ideas )
Awwww shucks morrolesssocks. Thank you. (Effcee lost for words… 
)
Will have to go away and look up Tom Pow now…
Several moments later…Thanks to google I now know who he is. Interesting. And rather attractive…
HiFC.
Just a thought,I have accumualated a number of Oz Jokes over time(Not gutter type) and they have been vetted against virus etc, which may give some amusment in the difference of mentalities betwwen us maybe?. Its up to you to give me your email address and you are the comptroller.Regards
Hi roysofalaoz … sorry, I had’t realised your website was restricted. I tried because your name showed that it lead to a website … I now see the link is gone.
All the female singers you mention FC have wonderful voices and you can actually distinguish the words, something that is lacking in many modern ’songs’.
HiFC.
It appears Uncle Less has been working too many morning shifts. Kindly send Plaid an email of the iffy weather you are having and slip my email address in , that will fix the problem. On another note it was 35c in th paddocks today, summer is telling autum , I have had my go and you can bring the frosts on when you feal like it. As i said before stews are on the menu.
Right. I’m not sure who you were asking to pass on your email address to Plaid, Roy, but I’ve done it anyway. At least I think I did…Was that what you wanted?
If you have any links to Oz jokes why not put a live link into a comment? Then we can all (When I say ‘all’ I’m not being bigsy and trying to imply gazillions of peeps are visiting here. Though it would be nice to know how many hits one gets…
As a little aside, and back on beinga dotty old lady, i treasure this following conversation I had with my mum shortly before she popped her clogs.
Me ( on phone) what have you been up to today then mum?
Mum- Oooh i had a lovely day!! I’ve been out!
Me - oh thats good! Where did you go?
Mum- ( bit of a pause) errr, well… um…
Me - ah well, who took you out, anyway?
Mum- Err, umm, now. It WASNT Jean.. I don’t think..
me ( helpfully) um was it Heather? No? Or Helen?
Mum- umm..(triumphantly) oh well who cares! I know I had a Lovely Day!!
We both laughed for ages- positive thinking won every time with mum. She remained cheerful -if a little repetitive!!!!- right to the end.
the day i thought my grandmother had lost the plot went like this:
gran–i’m going to see your grandad:
me:whats the weather like in perth?
gran;nice,but as i said i’m going to see your grandad:
me: well give him a hug and a kiss from me:
well grandad was already dead and up till then gran wa great,had her marbles etc; spoke to uncle ans aunt who said apart for her saying she was going to see grandad she was “normal”
nest morning at 8a.m i got a phone call saying they found her dead in her bed;she had passes away quietly and peacefully during the night!! sixth sense: 
HiFC.
Thankyou for your reply. My computer setup does not allow me to create a “link” in comments as I am not using “WordPress” only “WordPad” and that does not allow me to move a file from My Documents (My Received Emails folder) to IB comments. Not toworry at this time. Regards.
I had no idea things were so complicated Roy! If I want to put in a live link I only need to click and drag from web address to blog/comment box, so had no idea Liff was so difficult in other virtual worlds
A Wordpad sounds like a piece of twilight home equipment 
Landlady you got it right in dotty mum conversatzione. Never argue. Never explain. Never correct. All these do is cause distress and anxiety on both sides. So far ancient female parental unit has all her marbles at 82, but ampu went doited towards the end.
Roy, I have your email address … thanks to FC
Australian jokes are on the streets daily I find … you know, walking about like normal folks who come from New Zealand. [Did I really say that! Am walking on dangerous ground as I live with an Australian ... true blue.]
well thank you plaid—-normal folks coming from new zealand-if i show this to freinds over here they will be more than happy 
Till i came here i never knew about the “”"little differences between the kiwis and the aussies”"here at least in the north island its worse than the scotland/england issue
Let me put you in the picture Taddoe The main difference between Kiwis and Aussies is the fact that Australia was colonated [new word designed for this particular explanation 
] by convicts, whereas New Zealand was settled by FREE SETTLERS.
The fact that Australia is now home to 1000’s of Kiwis is simply because there is more sunshine here … sound an OK explanation?! 
PS “colonated” = may have fallen through the holes, as in a colander 
thanks plaid.in the hotel i was in,in samoa on one boat trip there was a certain “froideur” between a “kiwi” couple and one from oz–until then i thought it was just “friendly cross fire” :
My, simplistic, take on the trans Tasman divide is that in Oz there is still a certain amount of store placed in “Mateship.” Whereas the Kiwis are more self-centred. Could go back to the origins I suppose.
Oz v NZ … is simply a friendly way of expressing our relationship with each other … mates across the Tasman, mates in war, opponents in sport.
Australians are more cosmopolitan in that their ‘origins’ are widespread … Italy, Greece, Yugoslavia, etc, etc, plus the first white settlers who were in the main English or Irish convicts seconded to the other side of the world to build the country.
NZ had a different approach to building their country … different provinces were under the auspices of different countries … Canterbury was the English, hence Christchurch with the River Avon and English type gardens etc, and Otago[my province] was settled mainly by the Scots … tough, stoic, etc etc as suited to a cooler climate.
Today Aussies delight in teasing Kiwis about their accent, and vice versa … as only good friends are able.
Self centred? Kiwis? I would suggest soft centred … like a marshmallow Chocolate coated at Easter!
seconded to the other side of the world - Plaid # in Oz there is still a certain amount of store placed in “Mateship.” - Hyper-B. # You folks are quite funny. Oh, and by the way, what does the NZ accent sound like. The Australian one is a Cockney derivative, washed by the Darling river, right?
Fond memories of the peculiarites of the Kiwi accent include ‘iggs’ for eggs and ‘bruck’ for brick Never mind USA and UK being two nations divided by a single language (though I hear Spanish is making a takeover bid) us Brits and the Kiwis could also possibly be described thus.
I love it when you live dangerously mjc! Cockney derivitive indeed!
Maybe its time to post a new blog in order to stem the tide of War
whit????kiwis self centerd???haven’t met one yet,they seem to be the most hospitable,fiendly nation i’ve ever met,also ready to help:: their accent is brilliant i:e six sounds like sux;or the way some finish their sentence by the word,eh kettle is jug etc
I’ve been trying fiendishly hard…but I just love the idea of the Kiwis being fiendly 
hell missed an “r “out some other wurds”"”sex=six” “”sixteen=suxteen” “”cricket=crucke
So there is the potential to have six sux times a night? Or is that sux six times… Oh it’s all gone to bruck!
thank god i’ve got my glasses on–almost read you last word wrong
Oh here’s mpu home from a meeting, I must go and sooth his fevered brow
behave yourself
Am shocked and horrified that the mickey is being taken out of the delightful Kiwis!!! I beg to inform all that many times I have been mistaken for a person from Southern England … you know where the Queen lives!!! So … whether six is sux or sex is sux or sux is six etc is irrelevant … not the experience but the word I hasten to add. Afterall we know that actions speak louder than words … don’t they?
But, a wee word in your ear … those of us who come from the deep south are inclined to roll their rrrrrr’s … something to do with our ancestry so I believe.
i luve the kiwis,plaid,honest i do
Hi FC.
The Queen is the Queen and so shall she rule(FC)well take it or leave it. there may be some new userpers of a mind to upset, but they are still down the track to match you in your elegancy., and I have used the word Prudence in another place.
Plaid you don’t!!! 
Harm could come to a gel who rolls her rrrrrrrrs!
I’m a bit confused as to whether you are referring to my elegancy or Her Maj’s Roy, but will prudently hedge my bets and take it as blanket compliment…
If truth be told, I don’t mind kangaroos either (in moderation anyway)
They’re very filling…
and tasty toohttp://lokivolemangler.islandblogging.co.uk/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_razz.gif
Oh, 2 weeks without IB and look what happens! Where, oh where, is the moderating influence of our Carol? Tea-cosies travelling, cats flying under the influence of drink and now six of the best .. pull yourselves together, men (=collective noun used to distinguished the human kind from other living creatures)! Only Arnish has retained his inimicably dry sense of humour.
What a very sad post, FC. And how very true.